Along the desert shores

Today I have been reading Henri J.M Nouwen’s book, The Return of the Prodigal Son, a Meditation of fathers, brothers, and sons.  On page 42 it says, “What happened to the son in the distant country?  Aside from all the material and physical consequences, what were the inner consequences of the son’s leaving home?  The sequence of events is quite predictable.  The farther I run away from the place where God dwells, the less I am able to hear the voice that calls me the Beloved, and the less I hear that voice, the more entangled I become in the manipulations and power games of the world.”

Here I am, Shephek… standing in an allegorical desert.  I feel stripped of the many bright trappings I once wore rather carelessly.  I am separated from what was once ordinary.  There is a path that I can choose to follow with faithful, yet fainting steps or to sink beside in despair.

I can’t wake up and pretend nothing ever happened.  It did.

As I wait for “my news of home”, I am not helpless.  I can run towards my Heavenly Farther.  As a prodigal, I found myself having lost the sense of being truly beloved.  Instead I sought being liked.  Now in my loneliness, I can hear with my soul, the voice of God whispering, “Beloved.  Come to me.  I satisfy.”  The words of the Bible speak and I remember the promises, like gently falling rain.

I am so very thirsty.

I am so very sad.

How long will I remember the scars of these days?  Forever, I hope.



I am not forsaken.  Not for a moment.

Up to Something

Well, I sure didn’t expect what has happened. Surprise. Now I’m waiting, and trusting. It is hard to wait for information that means so much.

Trust and wait and see.

I gotta believe that God’s up to something and he’s not finished with me yet.  But I can not begin to imagine how creative he is being, or what he’s cooking up his sleeve.  Yet, after this is all over, I’m sure I will say, I’m glad.  But right now – not knowing – it is incredibly hard.


God does use pain as one of his teachers…Ultimately he battles for our hearts and mind. And he is endlessly creative. I am confident he will not overdo any pain or sorrow or pleasure.

God is exceedingly jealous over me, wanting all of me, and indeed I feel secure within this, because it is not like the jealousy of the world, of normal human beings. No, this is a jealousy that knows me, on the inside as well as outside, and it is coupled with the knowledge of what is good for me, better than I know it myself. So I want my God to be jealous of me bringing me back whenever I go aside, chasing something stupid. I trust my God.

I want God’s closeness, but that means all of him , even the parts that demand holiness within me, thus he has to rip out and realign me to his word whenever I try to turn aside to some other “god.”.

I feel like this next season – I’m attending God’s school. He is lining up events to conquer, lessons, studies, pains, uncertainties, etc. I am to put aside my childhood and look ahead, focusing on him rather than looking back. Many are his plans for me, unfolding as I walk from step to step holding onto the strong capable hands of the guides of pain and uncertainty (I am referring in part to the book Hinds Feet on High Places and modifying the names of the guides I feel God is using for me.)

Timidity – like a mouse

Can a mouse learn to talk?  

It depends on what is inside the mouse.


Silence is not always golden when words are struggling to get free, almost with a life of their own. 

Proverbs says that a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pitchers of silver. 


I wholeheartedly agree.  For words inherently come alive when spoken with power to lift, comfort and heal or on the other hand to put down and destroy. 



Parenting a sense of self worth

I’m tired. It has been a long day, which got even longer when my daughter and son began arguing over who was special. My son thinks teasing his younger sister is great and loves when she cries. But her own sense of value seems to be based on how he treats her.

I was reminded of my own past when my own sisters use to tease me until I was in tears. Is that in part where my own insecurities of value began to be shaped?

I prayed with my daughter. I told her how much God loves and cares for her and how our value is not based on others, but on what God says. I don’t know if she got it. But I tried. I’m trying to learn this myself too. Sometimes I wonder if I even got it.

Then I spoke with my son. I talked at length about sowing and reaping. I think he got it. He prayed and asked God to help him sow so that he would reap good things and not bad things. He appeared repentant and wishing to change. He thought initially it might help if I distracted him every time, from teasing his sister, but I told him I was incapable of doing that. Any change must start from his heart and Jesus is the only one who is right there with him all the time.

He especially didn’t like the idea that his sister might be sowing good things, while he is sowing bad things. He has so much rivalry with her that she simply cannot compete with. It leaves me spinning.

I don’t know. It is so hard at times to know what to say that the children need to hear. I can only hope and pray that I get it right part of the time at least.


Face your Fears…

Face your Fears, but do it safely.

It takes courage to attempt something that I’ve never done before, and courage to face the possibility of failure.  However, if and when the risk is followed by success, the joy and elation allows me to take just one more step…